I can’t count how many times in my live I have been wondering if I would go to the category of cute, pretty, or sexy. I have always been insecure about that and I am a true believer that being in the category of sexy is 100 times better than being in the category of cute. Sexy, in my mind, means sexually attractive.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all in about body positivity, I never really judge my lump of fat in a harsh way, and I do not really engage into extreme diet (at least in the past 3 years). But, yeah, deep down somehow I always think that guys will like me better if I am considered sexy.
Very recently, a guy told me that I am not sexually attractive although I am very caring and comfortable to be around. He also told me that he can’t ‘finish’ because he is not sexually attracted to me even when he tried, and he added to that by saying he has had casual sex before but just can’t enjoy one with me.
As much as I have heard all saying about do not take things personally or other people’s opinion do not define you, those words were hurting me. Like I was stabbed by a dull knife.
In my mind, if I wear a very sexy lingerie, wouldn’t I be sexually attractive? Who could be that ugly to be not sexually attractive.
That 3 words ‘not sexually attractive’ did haunt me for a week. I’d look at myself in front of the mirror and start blaming my genetics that keep fat on my thighs area, I lost my confidence to flirt, and I had that feeling of being rejected because I am just not good enough.
Until one morning, someone I know (and used to hook-up with) knocked on my door; he brought my favorite croissants and 2 cups of coffee. We talked like we used to, and I asked him if he thinks I am sexy or cute. He said I am cute; very disappointing. I then asked him ‘oh, so you think I am not sexually attractive, and if so how did we sleep with one another?’, and here is his answer which I think helped me to re-shape my perspective.
“Well, sexual attraction is very subjective I think, and it changes with time. It’s similar to that feeling you label as butterfly in your tummy, at least for me. I cannot have butterfly every day, even sometimes I’d only get that butterfly the 2nd time I meet someone. It does not necessarily have anything to do with sex or fucking one another by the way, it is a lot more than that. Just so you know, it comes and go too depending on you. Simple logic, something you can destroy would obviously be something you can develop.
To answer your question though, for me you are sexually attractive because the thought of seeing you in person is appealing enough, I am willing to clear my schedule just to get you your favorite croissants. I also know I am sexually attracted to you because if I could still do you, I would.”
Basically what he was saying is that sexual attraction is about what you feel and not about how the other person looks like. I know relying on just one person’s opinion is not ideal, but at that point he gave me a very sensible answer.
So, I can be wearing sexy lingerie, or have my entire body as smooth as a dolphin, and someone could still say that he is not sexually attracted to me and it’s just not my fault.
I guess now I know that the next time someone tells me I am not sexually attractive, I would just brush it off, and walk away.
