How many times have we find ourselves wondering about the relationship we are in. ‘What are we?’, ‘what am I to you?’, ‘what are we doing?’, are the common questions we face. The struggle becomes real problem when the other person wishes to avoid any label and go with the flow.
Label is used in all sort of things, from clothes to human relationship. If bunch of clothes can be labelled as casual and different bunch would go as formal, why we can’t simply agree on a label for human relationship. Sure, relationship is not an object, but the principle should remain ie things have its own label/box.
This is my attempt to understand my own perspective on label-less perspective.
For me, something that is label-less is always confusing because I always need to separate space or boxes for things.
It is not about whether or not I trust the other person, but more like setting the right expectation and boundaries. Mainly I need to know if we are heading towards the same direction, if we are looking at the same goal in terms of future, and if we respect one another in the same way.
Very recently, I came to realisation that as much as I want to make sure that we put a clear label and behaving within the agreed label, I often miss asking myself if I have enough energy to carry/excute certain label of relationship. I do not even have clear answer if I am ready to get into commitments; at the end of the day, any label of relationship requires real efforts and hard work.
Say it is labelled as committed relationship. I would need commitment to adjust myself to the other person, commitment to continuously try my best to understand the other person, commitment to not judge the other person as much as I can, commitment to try my best to be there when we need one another, commitment to continuously respect our individualities, and the most difficult one is commitment to not to push people away when I thought I might get hurt. Imagine the efforts….
On top of the above, I really need to be careful if I really wanna be with that person, or am I just want to feel that I belong somewhere. The latter could be tricky to determine because we, human being, are designed to be in community which signify that we want to know that we belong to a certain group, we are part of something, we are in a circle.
So, when a guy said he doesn’t want to label the relationship, I think I can manage myself so I will not get really offended by it. Of course, nothing prevent me from the bad thoughts especially when I know how easy he was in labelling his previous relationship; but then, there could be 2 sides of this — one, he has genuinely changed because of his previous relationship which could be a sign of growth, or two he does not take me seriously.
If I am being bluntly honest, the 2nd scenario could easily trigger me to find a way to proof that he is wrong, he has taken wrong decision and it will hurt him when I finally get away from him. But, I don’t think my life now would allow me to spend that much of efforts just to prove that someone is wrong.
In both scenarios, nothing is about me, it is about him so it is not my job to proof that he has wrongly valued me. It is his decision to treat me differently compared to his ex. It does not mean I am no better than them, it simply means he sees me differently (in good way or bad way). Bottom line is, if he does not think I deserve a label, I would see him the same way.
Based on experience, I no longer wish to be with someone who cannot really see my value and place me within the right box.
My prepared response if I guy tells me that he doesn’t know what label to put on me would be that, I acknowledge that as much as I want to feel that I belong somewhere, I need to understand what I actually want and need and his decision has nothing to do about me. I will spend the same level of efforts, and place him equally to how he place me.
I used to say labelless relationship is confusing, but the more I think about it, the more I clearly see the answer.
Labelless relationship means nothing. I am free to keep my options opened, I am free from any form of commitments, and I am free to stay available until I consciously decided to enter into a new, real, and meaningful relationship.
Bottom line? Having fun is good.
At least I have a guy who can come over give me hugs and kisses when I need to. Eventually, being in a relationship is not my goal, it is not my finish line.
I deserve to keep my options open until I know that I have found the right guy. This might take weeks, months, years, and that is ok.
What is supposed to be mine would always be mine.
