The common perception of being in a long term committed relationship (such as being engaged, marriage) is that we will spend a lifetime with that person. From this perception, we would assume that this person should always be around us (not necessarily physically) hence we start to have expectation around what this person should do to show us that she/he is around, to show us and our assumption is correct. This is very different from co-dependency, but I think it is more on security issue.
When that person is being distant, we tend to chase to get clarity why she/he is being distant, and we tend to do whatever in our power to feel close to she/he. When there is a slight change of behaviour, we would read between the lines and question ‘what did I do’ or ‘how do I get the old version of she/her’. When she/he does something we dislike, we would think all sort of ways to point out that we do not like so she/her should not do that.
These create immense pressure.
Most of the time, we fail to realise that the immense pressure is pressuring not only the other person but ourselves. On top of that, it presses the relationship too. As with so many other things, you can only put pressure on something for so long until it finally explodes; when this happen, most of the time it would be extremely challenging to fix the damage.
Talking about this subject, I always question why can’t we just get rid all those pressures? Why can’t we just enjoy the situation as it is?
This is where I finally realise that it becomes important to admit that changes are everlasting; it is interesting how thoughts like this could occur when I am enjoying my breakfast or sometimes when I am in the shower.
I change, my perspective changes from time to time, the situation around me change and it will affect me. So does the other person. His thought will always change, his behaviour will always change, and he will be affected with situation around him too.
For me, admitting this premise feels like losing my control over the relationship and losing my ability to control good stuff to happen in the relationship. But that is the point! To accept I have to let go.
As I am typing this (while munching my granola) I realise that if we cannot control changes around us (again, changes are everlasting), how could I even expect to control other person. How could I expect myself to control a relationship which involve a person I do not have control on. The idea sounds illogical to me now.
Part of accepting that I have no control is to accept facts that my man might be in love with me one day and months down the road he could decide that he does not love me anymore. Whether or not I do something to cause this or to prevent this, nothing would change his mind once he decided that he does not love me anymore.
Even when he did propose to me, no one can actually guarantee that he will not change his mind.
At the end of the day, if he wants to leave he would leave. If he want to cheat on me, he would cheat. If he wants to hurt me he would hurt me. If he wants to move on he would move on. And, he wants to stay he would stay. No matter what I did or do or did not do or do not do. No matter how hard I pray to keep him.
Like many other things, people come and go. It does not matter how close we are with someone, the premise remains; people come and go.
So what can I salvage from all this? Myself. The most important relationship I should build and pay attention on is between me and myself, my inner self. Myself is the most important part of this journey; it is me who will learn from an experience like this, it is me who will always grow, so it is my job to make sure I am being attentive to myself and what I am going through.
People come and go, but my inner self will always stay with me.
