This is a rough pic of my ex to whom I went out of my way in my attempt to keep our relationship which led to unfair expectation, resentment, and regrets. Yes, I used to think that loving is impressing.
I do not think I am the only person who would (intentionally or unintentionally) expect certain actions from the other person I’m in relationship with. Just an example, if I make time to take care of him when he is sick, I would expect that he will do the same when I am sick; or if I introduce him as a boyfriend to my friends if we accidentally bump into them, I would expect him to the similar action.
Now, the following picture shows my 2 kids (aka Paddy and Cookie) to whom I would also go out of my way to keep them happy. But this time, there is no expectation that I impose to them.
I feed them well, I take them out on a walk, I take them to the vet when they are sick and take care of them, I wash their clothes, and I do not expect them to not make a mess in the house. I do not expect them to behave in a certain way. Knowing that they eat their food, enjoy their play time, and sleep well is just enough for me. That is the level of commitment and willingness to love I put in place for my 2 kids.
Imagine if we put equal level of commitment to our significant other. To care and take care, to just do what we need to do, with 0 expectation of returns. World could be a better place….
The thing is, movies, stories, our surroundings make it easier for us to think that ‘love’ is a state of mind rather than an action. We are all very much after ‘being in love’ and we’d imagine the butterflies, the honeymoon phase, the lovey dovey vibes, dance under the moon; I was clearly a participant to this school of thought too.
It is so easy to think that any rough days in our relationship will eventually be compensated with the good days. But the reality is rough, good, bad, awesome feelings/our state of mind is fluctuating; it is very very far from consistent. No one can guarantee and should make promises about feelings.
What could have been consistent is not our feelings but our actions; to love someone should mean that we have decided to love that person which means to consistently loving them not being in love with them. I know that some of us would be thinking ‘ah, he would take me for granted if I do that’ and that’s the core challenge we have; to decide to love someone should mean we have let go any negative assumptions and we should keep reminding ourselves that there is no ill intention behind any of their actions until clearly proven otherwise.
